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10 things to look for at the information desk
1. Maps of the campus, and your town or city, including bike trails.
2. Calendars of events on campus including the next meeting at the campus counseling center of the "stress management support group."
3. Bus, train, airline, chariot, limo schedules and rates.
4. Where the restroom is in this building and why it has been moved again since you looked for it the last time you were here.
5. How to find the door that you just came in a minute ago and the name of the architect who designed this building which is virtually impossible to navigate successfully without a portable GPS tracking system to assist you.
6. What those people "chanting" in the corner over there are doing, how many weeks have they been there, and why don't they ever seem to have to go to class?
7. Magazines, camera film, batteries, and newspapers.
8. Where to find a class schedule and/or a college catalog.
9. Where the "lost and found" is located in the building that you lost the map to the campus which detailed specifically which building in which the "lost and found" is located.
10. The quickest route to the "stress management support group" that you realized you desperately needed in item 2. above.
10 tips for finding your way around campus
1. Get a good map of the campus and spend a few hours looking at it some rainy evening when absolutely nothing worthwhile is on TV.
2. Remember when using the map in item 1. above that North is often in the direction of the top of the map.
3. Take a stroll around campus some Sunday morning when things are calm around the place and check out the whole thing.
4. Ask someone who's been there awhile to show you around or act lost and confused and someone might volunteer to show you, but be careful who you allow to "assist" you — some people's intentions are not always admirable.
5. Borrow a video camcorder and make a walking video tour of your campus —you might be able to sell it to next year's freshmen, and make enough money to pay for your tuition, or your camcorder batteries.
6. Go power walking every night on campus — you can get in supreme physical condition in the process.
7. Ride your bike to school and check out people, places, and things while you're riding. You might not learn where anything important is, though, because you will be concentrating your efforts on dodging the people in item 6. above.
8. Become a student volunteer helping a physically challenged student around campus.
9. Go to sporting events, concerts, on-campus plays and theater, lectures, colloquia, film society screenings, etc. All of these events could to be in strange and unusual places on campus.
10. Go to a very small college.
10 more great ways to get away from it all
1. Take a long walk, (come back, eventually, though).
2. Go to a "no-brain" movie, eat popcorn, and try to figure out how anyone can write stupid plots like that and actually make a decent living at it.
3. Turn off your phone for a day and try to imagine you were living back before telephones and e-mail completely overwhelmed your daily existence.
4. Go ice skating (if you know how), or try to learn, if you don't.
5. Go buy a poster that you think is appealing, hang it on the wall, and then take it down after you realize it looks completely ridiculous up there next to your high school wrestling trophies.
6. Take a warm bath, put on some relaxing music, light a candle you bought at one of those "aromatherapy" shops, and meditate on the true meaning of your existence and the spiritual essence of multiple choice exams. Do this activity, however, only until someone kicks you out of the bathroom, yelling and screaming at you for consuming all of the hot water in the dorm.
7. Learn to play the acoustic guitar and write pathetic blues songs lamenting about your tough life in college and the hard and gritty road you have traveled since your glorious high-school days.
8. Plan a canoe trip (remember the mosquito and bear repellents, and do not bring your food packed carefully in paper shopping bags).
9. Go out and meet a new friend who may put up with your odd sense of humor and strange idiosyncrasies.
10. Join a volleyball league and play for the specific purpose only of having fun and not winning the campus tournament, which nobody but you cares about anyway.
10 people not to antagonize under any circumstances
1. Your advisor.
2. See item number 1 again.
3. Any of your professors — past, present or future.
4. The people who give you your OSAP.
5. The campus police.
6. The department secretary and/or the waiters and waitresses who serve you food.
7. Students who take excellent notes every day and never miss class.
8. Tutors who will help you for free, or for walking their dog.
9. People who know more about computers than you do, and will help you format your term paper at 3 a.m., the night before it is due — using the word processor on your computer you completely forgot how to operate.
10. Anybody on campus who is just returning from a final exam and has a pained expression on their face.
10 easy ways to get put on probation
1. Make sure you get poor grades by catching up on your much needed sleep during class lectures — or, by any of the following excellent reasons:
2. Keeping study time to a minimum —except before exams, of course, when you forsake much needed sleep time for all-night cram sessions.
3. Deciding to skip class when you have better things to do that day.
4. Using another classmate's exam paper for reference when taking your own exam.
5. Acting as if the term paper you copied from the Internet last night was your own and then bragging to your friends about your brilliance in completing this accomplishment.
6. Playing pool more than 5 hours a night while ingesting beverages designed to stupify your mind and release your "true feelings" to anyone unlucky enough to be obligated to listen to you.
7. Studying with music playing at full volume while watching a TV program showing pathetic people trying their very best to become a millionaire in less than an hour.
8. Studying while talking with your friend for hours on the phone who is explaining to you why they are leaving school because they "can't take it anymore."
9. Plagiarizing other people's work instead of doing it yourself.
10. Venting your frustration at a poor exam performance by throwing a soda machine out of your dorm window and watching it crash into splintered pieces on the pavement below.
10 fake excuses not to use for missing an exam
1. Your grandfather died suddenly and most unexpectedly.
2. Your friend's grandfather died suddenly and most unexpectedly.
3. Your friend's grandfather almost died suddenly and most unexpectedly, and you — out of respect for the family, of course — kept a bedside vigil all night.
4. Your alarm clock lost the time after the massive lightning strikes and power outages that occurred in the middle of the night.
5. Your car broke down on the way to the exam, or — worse yet — your friend's car broke down on the way to the exam.
6. You got bumped off your airline flight back from Montreal because you are such a very poor student and had to buy the super-discount seat to visit your ailing grandmother.
7. Your bicycle chain snapped at the worst possible time, or:
8. Your brain snapped at the worst possible time.
9. The roads were impassable, after the snowstorm, on the way back from Blue Mountain. "You tried everything you could to get back in time."
10. You were sitting in jail (even though you did not do the crime they supposedly accused you of). V
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